What a way to spend a Friday night.
I tell ya.
Ever since I was diagnosed with this (BILAT PE), it’s been a roller coaster ride.
This past Friday was very emotional for me, it started off pretty normal, Hubby and I went out and did our groceries and had a lunch date. I came home, got into my jammies and cuddled on the couch.
My arm started aching, really bad. It was tender to the touch, red, pins and needles feeling and I could feel a bump underneath my skin.
So, I freak out.
I was warned about these symptoms and all these crazy visions started flashing in my mind. A vision about the clot dislodging and it travelling to my heart or lungs again.
I didn’t want to go wait at the ER all night but, Hubby asked me to go and I went. Not so much for waiting times but, to be quite honest–scared of what the outcome may be.
The hospital itself is another story for another time but, after 6 long hours of waiting, I started to get answers. The doctor on duty was absolutely shocked that someone my age had this. And not only one large pulmonary embolism but, bi-lateral embolisms.
He told me that I am one lucky girl and what saved me was my age.
He said, “Had you been any older, you would have dropped like a sack. It takes both of your lungs to push oxygen to your brain cells. It takes 6 minutes for brain cells to die and that is not nearly enough time for someone to travel here, get admitted and then treated. Having such large clots in both lungs, it’s amazing that you survived. Like I said, most people would just drop like a sack.”
My heart sank.
My eyes welled up with tears and it hit me like a brick wall.
These last few months I have been very positive, not letting this get to me or stop me from doing what I wanted and needed to do. But, I never stopped to really ACCEPT the severity of this. That I really am so fortunate to still be here, that every doctor I have talked to since this began has told me I SHOULD BE DEAD.
Insensitive or not, it was the truth.
It really makes my heart hurt thinking of not being able to be here to see my girls, Dara and my family.
Quite frankly, I’m hurt and I’m angry.
I’m very angry that something that something that is supposed to be safe could have stolen my joy of being a mother, stolen a mother from 2 precious little girls, taken away a wife, a sister and a daughter.
These things just shouldn’t happen.
Well, for now they’ve determined that at least it’s not another clot, they say my pain is real but, can’t place a diagnosis. If my symptoms worsen or if the same PE symptoms return they said come on back.
I’m tired, sleep deprived, underfed and sore.
Well, I will not let this beat me and however long I have here, I’m going to make the absolute best of it. On our drive home, I looked up and saw the sun shining, bringing life to this bare tree. Even under grey skies this tattered tree still shines beautifully.
I don’t like complaining and I hate to pour my sorrows onto anyone, that’s why I say always looking for the silver lining in everything you do and everything you face.
And I am glad to be here to appreciate that.
Live everyday like it’s your last.
Thank-you all for the kind words and concern, it really, really means so very much.