Life With Pulmonary Embolism
What a way to spend a Friday night.
I tell ya.
Ever since I was diagnosed with this (BILAT PE), it’s been a roller coaster ride.
This past Friday was very emotional for me; it started pretty normally. Hubby and I went out and did our groceries and had a lunch date. I came home, got into my jammies, and cuddled on the couch.
My arm started aching, really bad. It was tender to the touch, red, pins and needles feeling, and I could feel a bump underneath my skin.
Okay.
So, I freak out.
I was warned about these symptoms, and all these crazy visions started flashing in my mind. A vision about the clot dislodging and it travelling to my heart or lungs again.
Just dropping.
I didn’t want to wait at the ER all night but, Hubby asked me to go, and I went. Not so much for waiting times but, to be quite honest–scared of what the outcome may be.
The hospital itself is another story for another time, but, after six long hours of waiting, I started to get answers. The doctor on duty was absolutely shocked that someone my age had this. And not only one large pulmonary embolism but, bi-lateral embolisms.
He told me that I am one lucky girl, and what saved me was my age.
He said, “Had you been any older, you would have dropped like a sack. It takes both of your lungs to push oxygen to your brain cells. It takes 6 minutes for brain cells to die and that is not nearly enough time for someone to travel here, get admitted and then treated. Having such large clots in both lungs, it’s amazing that you survived. Like I said, most people would just drop like a sack.”
My heart sank.
My eyes welled up with tears, and it hit me like a brick wall.
These last few months, I have been very positive, not letting this get to me or stop me from doing what I wanted and needed to do. But, I never stopped to really ACCEPT the severity of this. That I really am so fortunate to be here still, that every doctor I have talked to since this began has told me I SHOULD BE DEAD.
Insensitive or not, it was the truth.
It really makes my heart hurt, thinking of not being able to be here to see my girls, Darasak, and my family.
Quite frankly, I’m hurt, and I’m angry.
I’m very angry that something that is supposed to be safe could have stolen my joy of being a mother, stolen a mother from 2 precious little girls, taken away a wife, a sister, and a daughter.
These things just shouldn’t happen.
Well, for now, they’ve determined that at least it’s not another clot. They say my pain is real but can’t place a diagnosis. If my symptoms worsen or if the same PE symptoms return, they said come on back.
I’m tired, sleep-deprived, underfed, and sore.
Well, I will not let this beat me, and however long I have here, I’m going to make the absolute best of it. On our drive home, I looked up and saw the sun shining, bringing life to this bare tree. Even under grey skies, this tattered tree still shines beautifully.
I wouldn’t say I like complaining, and I hate to pour my sorrows onto anyone, that’s why I say always looking for the silver lining in everything you do and everything you face.
It’s there.
And I am glad to be here to appreciate that.
Live every day like it’s your last.
Thank you all for the kind words and concern, it really, really means so very much.
Nancy Polanco is a freelance journalist, lifestyle content creator, and editor of Whispered Inspirations. She is a proud Mom to Gabby and Michaela and partner and best friend to Darasak. Having worked as part of a health care team for almost a decade, Nancy is happy to be back to her passion. She is a contributor to the Huffington Post, TODAY’s Parents, and an Oprah Magazine Brand Ambassador.
that is so scary Nance, take good care of yourself!
Thanks Jenn, I try to make the best outta things. 🙂
Oh dear, Nancy! I was wondering what was going on – were you ok!
My thoughts are with you. I think part of the silver lining might be just how strong this is making you.
Hugs!
Thanks love, it's just hard hearing that, you know? My mom has told me time and time again that I am here for a purpose. Bless her for trying to make me feel better. But, thanks… Once I know of if I am given the home free things will be much better.
Oh my gosh! This post had me crying! So scary, Nancy!!! I really wish we lived closer. Sending hugs and positive thoughts your way.
Oh thanks Christine, I was a sniffly mess for the last two days. It's just the bluntness of being told that I shouldn't be here that kinda gets me emotional.
OH Nancy there's nothing nice to say about such a scare! I'll be praying the doctors come up with a diagnosis and that God eases your worries.
Thanks so much Julie, I guess, it may really never go away. The fear of another. 🙁 Thanks so much love, I appreciate it.
so scary. I'm so glad you are ok.
Thanks Tara. 🙂
I am so glad to hear that you are OK! Good Grief!
Definitely good grief. I'm so over this. 🙁
So scary. I hope you find out what is going on. Happy yo are sharing this. You give others strength. Hugs
Thanks so much Kim, I find it happens a lot and there are no answers. 🙁
Nancy, I can really understand that feeling of not having recognized the severity of the situation. I think it's VERY unnerving to come to that realization, but at the same time it's very healing and a very important part of moving forward. It's scary to bump into it all the time, and to live with the very real risks. I am really glad you are OK, and will be praying that they can find the cause of the pain in your arm, and that you can find a new normal that balances the risks and embraces life instead of fear! Hugs friend!
~ Raylene
I think it's something that I'm going to have to deal with always. Considering that PE is 3rd in leading deaths, it's something not to take lightly. I hate the fact that every little thing I feel I am afraid it's another PE.
I am soooo glad you are OK sweetness! You will get through this and as you know I am always here for you for whatever you need! Love ya girl! ((HUGS!!!))
Thanks Kat, you are the best. Always there to listen and the HUGS. Love ya lots. ((HUGS))
Oh I wish we lived closer I would have been at the hospital with you. I am so angry that this happened to you and other women, and it could happen again. It is so hard to come to terms with things and really face it, but once that is done, then you can deal and it sounds like you are doing just that. You are awesome and you amaze me and I am so lucky to call you my friend. I hope they figure out what happened with your arm sweetie. Hugs.
Thanks so much Patty, I know you would too. You are the best. I am so angry Patty, so mad at what this has done to me and my family. I'm fine with it most days but then there's days where I feel just ANGRY. Love you m'dere.
Oh Nancy this is so sad! I am so thankful that you've beaten the odds and that things have turned out this way. I am a firm believer in things happending for a reason and I do think there is a higher power at play here.
I wish you all the best and hope for a quicker recovery!
XX
Thank-you so much Kelly, it's been taxing but, I swear I will make my time here worth it. 😀